let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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