I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
