if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
