The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
