I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
