there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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