and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize