My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
