Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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