you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
