Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It's never too late to be topless.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
