he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize