ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
