this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
