everyone is single if you try hard enough
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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