did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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