Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
