I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
