i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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