did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
