Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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