"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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