Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
