I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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