I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
