If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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