I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
