party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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