I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
