it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
