after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
