When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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