either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
