I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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