Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize