we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
