I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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