the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Text me some of your sweat
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