also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
