Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
