On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
