Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
