I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
