How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
tell me about the eggs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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