I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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