Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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