mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
