I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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