Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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