I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
