apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
