so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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