i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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