why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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