Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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