I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
