dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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