Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
