guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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