meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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