Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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