my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
