I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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