He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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