Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
